


dis(Grace)

by blueskiessunshine (rainydayrambling)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fallen Angel, M/M, Mention of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 10:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainydayrambling/pseuds/blueskiessunshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel would do anything for Dean - and one day, he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	dis(Grace)

i.

Sometimes Castiel almost thought he could see it on Dean’s face, even though he knew he did not and never could deserve it. For months, maybe years, he imagined it - tucked into the corners of Dean’s lips or hidden in the tiny creases around his eyes: the one word Castiel longed for in every borrowed bone. Stay.

ii.

When it happened, Castiel almost didn’t hear. He had been about to disappear, as he always did. He had been about to return to his penance. But he heard it, grating against Dean’s throat and probably against his every instinct. And even though it was only the one word, even though there was no “please” attached to it, it did not come as a command but a plea.

Castiel stopped, settled where he stood. What else could he do? He stood rooted in place but felt something inside him soar as surely as if he had lifted his wings and taken off. It occurred to him, not for the first time, that he would tear his wings from his being with his own hands if it meant that he never had to let go of that feeling - if it meant that he could see Dean looking at him, just like that, with his mouth twitched up at one corner and his gaze fixed, fierce with something Castiel did not dare name, always.

iii.

Castiel knew it was wrong. He knew it was wrong that every wave of his being stretched and reached toward Dean whenever they were too far apart, and every nerve in his physical body tingled with yearning to touch whenever they were in the same room.

If his brothers and sisters only knew - if his father only knew - they would be disgusted, as he was disgusted with himself. But the worst of it was Dean. Knowing that Dean would be horrified and ashamed if he knew just how deep Castiel’s adoration ran. For the other angels, the shame would come from loving something that was so much less than them.

Castiel knew the truth. He was nothing - a broken, beaten monster who had betrayed the only thing he had ever learned to care for on his own.

It was wrong to love Dean Winchester. What right did he have to look on, or even hope to touch and hold and love, such brilliance?

iv.

Even before he started, he could feel it tearing. ”Cas, please,” Dean was saying, shouting over the noise everywhere around them, but it sounded quiet; his words were for Castiel only. He was holding the Gates open, but he couldn’t hold them much longer. Castiel had two choices: he could pass through the Gates, return to Heaven, and be killed (what he deserved, he knew, and part of him ached for it). Or he could stay.

“Cas.”

Castiel met Dean’s eyes. There was that look again - that fierce expression that was all anger and pain and something Castiel could never quite identify. ”Please don’t go. I need you.”

Castiel felt the words reach into him, wrap around his Grace. That was where the pain was coming from. He realized all at once that his Grace was fighting to leave him, as though it no longer belonged here, in this body, as though it would tear itself apart rather than appear past those Gates.

“Please,” Dean said, watching Castiel like he really believed he might say no, like he really believed Castiel could ever deny him anything he wanted - no matter how unbelievable it might be that Dean could want him.

It was painful - piercingly so - when he finally reached in and tore his Grace from bone and ligament and tissue, and he heard himself screaming and he felt what might have been tears or blood on his face, but in the end, when his Grace was gone and the Gates were closed and Dean’s hands were on his shoulders, it felt like coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> Another instance of me using Dean and Cas to work through my own problems - lovely if you've enjoyed.


End file.
